Episode 1.3

Episode 1.3
Series 01, Episode 03
Air Date	28th January 2001
Previous	Episode 1.2
Next	Episode 1.4

Episode 3 of Series 1 was broadcast on 28th January 2001 and was written by Peter Kay, Neil Fitzmaurice and Dave Spikey. It was directed by Johnny Campbell.

Synopsis

With yet another recommended booking from Den Perry, the club is preparing for a psychic night. Meanwhile, the club has a surprise visit from infamous fire inspector and dog botherer Keith Lard. With the Club already breaking numerous fire regulations, with Lard shut down the club before psychic night? Or can the Phoenix crew fight fire with fire?

Plot

Part One

The episode opens with Chorley FM host Paul Le Roy announcing a psychic night at the Phoenix Club. While playing, we see Young Kenny stapling posters to a tree and within seconds, a police motorbike pulls up and the officer tells him to take them down. This cuts to him entering Brian's office at the club and handing him back the posters. Brian comes up with an alternative idea and the scene jumps immediately to Brian being driven around and around a roundabout as Kenny flops a tarpaulin over the 'Town Centre' sign reading "Psykick Tonite". Brian repeatedly asks condescendingly "What's a 'pyskick'?!".

Afterwards we see some deliverymen finishing installing the new big screen TV. The TV is turned on and the members of staff cheer when it starts to work. Meanwhile, in Brian's office, Ray Von is talking Brian through computer related conversation. This leads him to say "all I do is cut your head off, drag you round [...]" leaving Brian stunned. Marion stands in front of the TV to interrupt the staff watching the TV warning them that the TV is for the regulars. In the office, Ray has photoshopped Brian's head to a picture of a murderer and upon being asked whether he likes murder, Ray says he finds them fascinating. Jerry walks in and asks whether Brian still wants to go to the meeting and Brian takes this opportunity to leave the room and Ray.

Jerry wheels Brian out of the club with Brian moaning about having Den Perry's affiliates' meeting so early in the morning. As they go to exit the main cabaret suite, he is stopped by Les who asks if he and his amateur dramatics club can use the room for their rehearsals for Karate Kid the Musical due to their main venue being fumigated. Brian wheels himself through the Pennine Suite where he marvels at the new TV, which is showing a French dubbed Cracker, which Brian mistakenly called "Bergerac". Before leaving, Brian notices that the dartboard has been taken and that regulars are throwing darts at a board drawn onto the wallpaper.

Brian leaves the room and enters another, telling Les that he can't have the room and that the kids in his production need to get off their backsides and start working. He then awkwardly turns and notices them mid-sentence. This leads him to retract his statement and give them the room, adding to Les to "make sure they have pop and crisps". It cuts to them in the meeting headed by Den Perry who is telling a crude joke about a woman with a penis. He moves swiftly to him boasting that his club, the Banana Grove, will be hosting the heats for the Talent Trek competitions and says that flyers are available in the Tropicana Suite, near the toilets. In a topic related to "shit houses", he introduces Brian Potter from the Phoenix Club.

Den Perry decides to make a couple of jokes about the Phoenix Club, which Brian forces himself to overlook. Upon receiving a flyer, Brian groans at the guest speaker, Keith Lard. He reminds Jerry that Lard was arrested once for "interfering with dogs". On stage, Den Perry makes numerous dog related puns and introduces Lard. Lards takes the mic and walks on-stage. He introduces his topic: "Smoke kills in minutes, fire kills in minutes" before asking the question: "D'you know what my biggest fear is?". From the audience, Perry suggests "rabies", to which the audience laugh. He pulls out a doll and Perry shouts "She's a bit of a dog." and sets her alight.

It cuts back to club where the staff is watching a typical TV shop channel ("Armchair Super Store"), which shows instant hair growth spray. Paddy suggests that they should turn it off but both Marion and Holy Mary refuse to turn it off. When they wrap up the piece on hair growth, Kenny Senior jokingly points out to Paddy that they have assorted colours. The others snigger, suggesting that Max has been spreading it as a rumour. Max responds with "They've got eyes", suggesting that he didn't need to spread the rumour as his balding hair is obvious.

It cuts back to the meeting where Veronica the doll is just a melted remains. Keith Lard is drawing his "ideal club" for combatting fires. He ends up drawing a building plan that hugely resembles a dog pissing. Brian and other audience members pick up on this. Conversations continues to get steadily louder, drowning out Keith's speaking until Keith has enough and pushes a horn, silencing them all and causing one man to drop his tray of drinks. After being called a 'prick' by the man, Lard merely responds with "Life or burn. Take your pick."

We once again cut back to the Club watching Armchair Super Store as they talk about the produce "Piagra", a sex chewing gum with the same effects as Viagra. It cuts immediately back to Lard shouting "Dead, you're all dead" to the audience. He then pulls out a newspaper clipping sent to him by a friend in South America. What he doesn't realise is is that it is evidently a practical joke as he is reading out the lyrics to 'Disco Inferno'. All of the audience is giggling along with Lard having no idea why they are laughing.

As we return to the club, we see Paddy on the phone, giving his card details as he orders the hairspray product and Piagra. He then turns to Max and asks if he wants some Piagra to which Max tells Paddy that he doesn't need it. Meanwhile, Max and Kenny Senior are watching a piece about a Divers Watch. The presenter calls it a "Piece of history, what I'd like to call 'Wristory'." Back at the phone, Paddy is trying to convince the person at the other end of the phone that the Piagra isn't for him.

Back at Perry's club, Perry is exiting the club toilets where he bumps into Jerry. Perry tells Jerry that he notices that they booked the psychic act that he had recommended to them and assures Jerry that the act is "pure gold". Back in the main room, Potter is approached by Keith Lard who informs him last minute that he's inspecting the Phoenix Club in a matter of hours and that the previous inspector was suspending on charges of bribery, which suggests that Potter had been bribing him. A joke warning to Lard by Perry by the club is "dog rough" causes Potter to give him the middle finger.

Part Two

We then see Jerry and Brian driving back to the club, where Potter is beeping Jerry's horn and trying to make him go faster. Brian goes to phone the club to warn them but Jerry says that the phone's out of order. As Brian tries to ring the club, Max is ringing the Armchair Super Store line to order himself and Kenny Senior a Diver's Watch. Back in the car, Brian pushes down on Jerry's breaks making him go faster to Jerry's horror however Lard has already made it to the club without him. Brian and Jerry's speeding has not gone unnoticed and a police motorbike pulls them over. Brian calls them swines and claimed that they previously had pulled him up "outside of the gym".

Lard knocks before entering the Pennine Suite and claims "If I were a fire, I wouldn't knock." but the staff remain uncaring. Meanwhile, in the car, Brian is faking a heart attack and forces Jerry to go along with it and lie. Jerry tells the officer that "his dad" is having an attack and Brian says that he can "see a bright light", asking him if he should walk towards it. That leads to Jerry stating that Brian needs his medication. Upon Jerry telling the officer that they're heading towards the hospital, the police officer decides to escort them there. As the officer returns to his vehicle, Brian picks up on Jerry having referred to him as his "dad".

In one of the rooms at the club, a group of ladies are doing some form of exercise. This includes Holy Mary. As Keith walks in, one of the other ladies points him out and reminds her of the allegations about bestiality. Lard, accompanied by Kenny Senior, turns down their moderately playing music claiming it to be too loud. The other lady recounts an event witnessed by her and her friend Pauline about a car with his lights on and engine running. As the ladies wondered whether someone was trying to kill themselves, they decided to approach the car and saw a man with a dog on his knee through the steam. She reveals it was Keith and a spaniel, which Holy Mary mishears as a Spaniard.

As Keith tries to lecture Kenny Senior about not hanging coats on fire extinguishers, Kenny retells an apparent event he witnessed in Mexico regarding giant redwoods and how when some set alight they had to "throw kiddies out of windows". He claims that him and Red Adair were catching them as they jumped out. Lard is then shocked to find the fire door padlocked shut. Lard turns the story around on him asking whether Kenny knew the Mexican for "Ah, let us out! We're burning!". As Lard leaves, Kenny indeed manages to translate it. He then catches up to Lard.

Back on the motorway, Brian forces Jerry to fork off and leave the police officer behind. It cuts to the rehearsal room where Les is running through a scene with a bonsai plant. Keith interrupts and sets it on fire, telling them to focus on its flammability. Mere minutes later and all the people have been congregated outside of the club and the entrance sealed off by Keith. Brian pulls up and tells Keith that he can't do it, which causes Lard to exclaim that he can and has. Lard gets into his car and drives off leaving Brian to think up a way of solving the problem.

Inside, the staff have congregated around a table to have an emergency meeting. Brian tells Max and Paddy to turn the TV off and Brian tells the others that Keith Lard is unable to be reasoned with. Max and Paddy suggest that they can "half a word with him" and Kenny Senior states that he's "very friendly with the SAS". Brian immediately pulls Kenny up on this, proving it to be a lie. Holy Mary references the Bible quotation "Let him without sin cast the first stone". Brian is left confused. Upon elaboration, Holy Mary retells the story told to her by in the exercise class, whose name is revealed as Edie. In the office later on, Brian tells Keith that if he doesn't return, it could cost him his job and slams the phone down before allowing him to answer.

Lard indeed turns up to Potter's office and asks what he wants. When Lard refuses Brian's last request for his licence back, he recalls the story of the sighting of him in cars with dogs. Lard points out that a story without evidence is simply a story. Brian then throws him a file containing a perfect photoshop of a naked Keith lard straddling a dog. He reveals to Lard that he managed to make it with the help of Ray Von.

It then cuts to the night's entertainment going ahead as planned. As the intro music starts, Potter takes a swig from his vase glass. Clinton Baptiste walks out onto the stage and introduces himself. He immediately picks up the name 'John' and asks if there's a John in the audience to which lots of people respond. Outside, Max asks Paddy how the Piagra's working out and Paddy says that it's alright for bubbles and not much else. Max is playing with his new watch and finds himself impressed with the light.

Baptiste is talking to one of the Johns in the audience and tells him that his mother was quite young when she died. John responds, telling him that she was actually ninety three. Baptiste rescues his attempt by claiming that "she were young at heart", to which he and his partner have no alternative but to agree. Clinton Baptiste continues to guess that "she slowed down towards the end of her life", which John verifies. Before leaving, Clinton correctly guesses that the woman with him is his partner and claims that John has something that he really needs to tell his partner before "anyone gets hurt". John says there isn't anything and his partner assumes that this means he's having an affair. As Baptiste leaves, his partner asks John for an explanation.

Meanwhile outside, Paddy is reading an adult magazine but fails to feel the Piagra taking effect. Inside, Baptiste is comforting a crying old lady claiming "You'll still be able to visit", which shocks the audience. He moves onto his next victim and tries to guess the woman's name. He does so but only with the evident help of the person. He wrongly suggests that she's not been very well but manages to get way with it as she points him in the direction of someone else. He then claims the illness to be terminal, further shocking and disgusting the audience. He walks to the front and asks those who are baron to put their hands up. This shocks everyone including Brian.

John and his partner both leave and outside, his partner is demanding he tell her what's going on. She apparently has known something was going on all along. John tells Max and Paddy that Clinton is simply offending people rather than telling the truth. John and his partner leave, fighting, and Max stops Paddy from intervening in the domestic dispute. Inside, Clinton is telling the audience that he's only telling them what "the spirits" are telling him. He then approaches a very muscly man and says: "I'm getting the word... nonce." There's a slight pause after which the man grabs Baptiste and starts to beat him up, leading the audience to cheer.

As the punters leave, they tell Brian that they're not coming again, leaving him feeling deflated. Jerry reveals that he got the recommendation of Clinton Baptiste from Den Perry. This leaves Brian pleading with Jerry to understand that Perry wants them shut down. Clinton then approaches them asking them where his pay is. Brian reveals that he's just had to refund money to his loyal customers. Upon refusing to pay him, Clinton tells Brian that he can walk. Brian forces him to leave. As Baptiste leaves, the same police officer enters. Both Jerry and Brian enter the whole 'dad having a heart attack' routine, which the officer sees right through. The police officer gives them three points on their licence and a £200 fine to be paid immediately. Brian hands it to Jerry to pay.

Once again, the staff is sitting through another audition, which sees a man failing to juggle numerous items including balls and plates. He then pulls out three lit fire batons, causing everyone to run out of the room and leaving Brian unable to run away. Brian shouts "Next!".

Important Notice from Channel 4: "Channel 4 and Peter Kay would like to state that the character of Keith Lard may have led to some persons to wrongly believe that the character was based on a Mr. Keith Laird. We wish to make it clear that this is not the case, and would like to apologise to Mr. Laird and his family for the distress caused. We have also agreed to make a donation to the Fire Service Benevolent Fund and to Mr. Laird's family for his and his family's personal distress. Mr. Laird's contribution to fire safety in Bolton is well documented and his professionalism and personal integrity are not in any doubts."

Cast

• Peter Kay - Brian, Max, Keith Lard and Paul Le Roy
• Justin Moorhouse - Young Kenny
• Neil Fitzmaurice - Ray Von
• Archie Kelly - Kenny Senior
• Paddy McGuiness - Paddy
• Beatrice Kelley - Marion
• Janice Connolly - Holy Mary
• Dave Spikey - Jerry St. Clair
• Toby Foster - Les
• Steve Edge - Alan
• Ted Robbins - Den Perry
• Joe O'Byrne - Police Officer
• Helen Moon - Edie
• Lorraine Cheshire - Aerobics Instructor
• Alex Lowe - Clinton Baptiste

References

• Paul Le Roy's quote of "This is Chorley FM, coming in your ears!" is a regular joke when referring to Chorley FM. During the opening of Peter Kay's Live at the Bolton Albert Halls stand-up show, he has a sketch with his Asian taxi driver listening to Chorley FM with the tagline: "Coming in ethnic ears!"
• Young Kenny's spelling of "Psykick" instead of 'Psychic' is another example of the characters naive but stupid character.
• Whilst showing Brian how to edit photos on a computer, Ray Von says: "All I do is cut your head off, drag you round..." leaving Brian stunned, almost scared. This adds to the joke played on Brian by Les Alanos about Ray being a murderer. Ray is still unaware of the joke.
  • This is made worse by Ray telling Brian he's fascinated by murderers.
• Brian mistakes the TV series Cracker for Bergerac, even though the men in the lead roles are significantly different. This plays into Potter's constant mistakes with words and characters in the real world.
• Brian notices that the dartboard has been cut out and stolen. This seems to be a regular occurrence as in an earlier episode, the TV was also stolen.
  • Potter then jokes that they will use the mechanical bull if it hasn't also been stolen. He also calls the rodeo a "bull mastiff", using the wrong term.
• In regards to the children from the Karate Kid musical, Brian asks Les to "make sure they get some pop and crisps" even though some of them are far too old for that. This adds to Brian's aged mentality as he is constantly stuck in the past. Other moments from previous episodes were his flimsy reference to "Jive Bunny".
• During his meeting, Den Perry tries to show up Brian by public asking if he has "killed any pensions this week", in reference to the Captain's death in the previous episode. He goes on to say "if you like your folk music with a hint of racism, Brian's your man". This is a reference to the first episode and to a band, which was suggested by Perry himself.
• Perry also makes jokes about Keith Lard and his bestiality-related crime.
  • Jokes include "I'd like to unleash our guest speaker today" and "would you care to take the lead, Keith?". Later on, Lard asks the question: "D'you know what my biggest fear is?" to which Perry shouts "Rabies?".
• During the Armchair Super Store hair growth spray piece, Kenny Senior jokingly reminds Paddy aloud that it comes in assorted colours, suggesting it. Paddy turns to Max and asks "Who else have you told?", evidently annoyed.
  • This adds to the jokes made in the past two episodes where Max is working Paddy up, suggesting he is going bald. With both Kennys and the women laughing, it is suggested that Max has been spreading it as a rumour.
• Both Paddy and Max separately use the phone in the Pennine Suite to order products from Armchair Super Store (Piagra and the Divers Watch respectively). Even though the phone has an "Out of Order" sign, regular staff still use it to make outside calls. This happens in numerous episodes, obviously making it clear that there is nothing wrong with the phone.
  • During the drive to the club, Jerry tells Brian that the phone's out of order, suggesting that some members of staff are unaware that the phone doesn't work.
• It is revealed that their psychic act was suggested by Perry himself. No surprise that the act turns out to be offensive and is yet another instance where both Brian and Jerry have failed to realise that Perry is supplying them with faulty acts.
• Kenny Senior's tale about his time in Mexico is another probable lie. Kenny is known liar and often tells tales that are too impossible or improbable to be true.
  • Kenny's almost successful Spanish translation of Lard's phrase makes this story even more interesting. Kenny says "Dejemos salir! Estamos quemandonos! [etc]"
  • Kenny later states that he's friendly with the SAS but Brian angrily debunks this as a lie.
• Potter's vase glass makes another appearance.
• Clinton Baptiste's look and high-pitched voice gives him a very sharp likening to real-life self identified "medium" Derek Acorah. Acorah also made an indirect appearance on the TV at the start of the episode.
• Paddy asks one of the ladies if she wants to look into his "crystal balls". Paddy is regularly using cheesy pick-up lines to try and pick up ladies.